Missing You...

Well Daddy, I'm really missing you again... I don't know why something so little can just bring back a flood of emotions so quickly. I miss you soooooo much. I wish this hole got smaller over time, but it just doesn't. I can cover it up, but sometimes I find myself right in the big middle of it again. And the tears flow... And my heart aches... And I hear your voice... And I see your face... And I just plain miss you. I can't say I just want a hug, although that would be true, because I want more than a hug. I want you back. And that is impossible. At least for right now. I know I will see you again someday, but it will be different then. I need you now. I need your wisdom, your confidence, your strength. Sometimes I still feel like a lost little girl without you here. I just don't know what to do. I am not good at knowing what is the right choice to make, or how to handle a lot of situations.  I'm not good at people, I'm so awkward because I'm just so unsure, always scared to take that step forward because I don't know if it will throw me back several steps. I just remember that you always said, "Even a wrong decision is better than no decision at all." And I'm such a control freak I just don't understand how you were always so good at rolling with the punches. I will never forget the way you spoke to me when I just knew I was going to disappoint you. But I didn't, and you surprised me with your loving and unfailing approval and advice. When I fuck it up, I don't know how to tell if I really did do it up good, or if it's not that bad and just to let it roll off my wings like a bird in the rain. The day you died, you told Mom some things that have stuck with all of us, "Life is like this. It blows this way, and that way, like the wind. If it's gonna fall apart, just let it fall apart." Ugh... Sorry I rambled again. I feel alot better now though. I love you Daddy. I always have, and I know you knew that. And I know you loved me.

Jesus, will you please leave this on my Dad's answering machine so he can hear it when you wake him up? Thank you that although I lost my earthly Father you have never left me and will never leave me. I am not, nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be, Fatherless. I know you showed me that the day of my Dad's memorial. Please teach me to rely on You alone. To look to you for the wisdom my father used to give me. Because after all, it ultimately came from You especially for me anyway. Thank You that You are my comforter. You are my strength. And You know better than my dad did because You know the past and the present and the future. I trust You Jesus. Thank You for the great blessing You gave me, even if it was for a little while. For now, hold me like You always do and sing to me. Then set me on my feet again and walk with me. Thank you that I am never alone. I love you Jesus. I love You.

Love's Last Hope

What is Love? How do you know if you are truly "in" or "out" of love? Is love something tangible, or is it all together imagined? Can you love some "thing" or is it exclusive for people? Is there a universal definition that fits all situations and circumstances? Webster's says that love as a verb means: to hold dear or cherish. As a noun, there are so many definitions ranging from common interests to strong affection and kinsman-ship. I wonder though.

Love is such an extraordinary thing that it amazes me that one would even attempt to put a definition to it. It is so uniquely different from person to person. But I do know one thing for sure. I am in love. Whatever that means.

So let's start from the beginning. When we are young, we have preconceived notions of what it means to love someone. And then it happens, that first look, the first electric current runs through your body, first kiss, and you are sunk. You swear that this is love, because it is stronger than any other you have ever felt before, somehow different. But then it dies. And the first death of love, the first love, is the most violent. It rips your heart out, tears it in to little pieces and spits it back in your face. Was that love? If so I don't want to ever have to go through that again! And a piece of you dies along with it. A little bit of innocence goes up in flames, and for the first time you taste the bitterness of a love lost. And you move on. And you grow up. And you start to mature and see life for what it really is; that veil has been thrown aside, or at the least it is now transparent. Love sucks.

As you grow and the years pass, you begin to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise, albeit a painful one. Without it, you would have continued to believe and see the world through rose colored lenses. Now you see reality. And you question: Was it love? But far more often you will find that the answer is no. No, not love. It was passion. And passion can be a fierce and violent force, more than any other that exists. But it seems to always die with the same intensity that it was born. So then is that it? If it was passion, what is love?

Passion is the beginning you see... Without passion, there would be no attraction, and without attraction, a relationship of intimate form would never be established. But passion alone will never survive, and since passion almost always seems to have the intensity of fire, we have to be aware that fires always die out. And look at the mess they leave behind.

But Love comes from passion. Passion is the bud on a tree, a flower, beautiful in it's season, and vibrant. But eventually it withers and dies. And it leaves behind a seed. Now if that seed gets covered up by the ashes, it will not grow, as happens with most first loves. But if it finds a good ground beneath it, it can take root and grow. And when it grows it starts slow, beneath the surface, and that's why it is seemingly unnoticed, but it will be strong. And then it sprouts, but at this point who knows what it could be. It may be a weed that needs to be pulled, but only because it has not yet taken form. The years pass and steadily it increases. Of course there will always be times of drought that may hold it back, but only for a season. Love is persistent. Love is strong. Love is grounded. Love is slow. And even, Love most of the time can be boring, mundane, colorless, and sometimes unsightly. It is a tree after-all. But that tree, when taken care of, watered and painfully pruned, will continue to grow and grown until it is a mighty tree, big and strong, unshaken with a strong and deep foundation.

That's what love is. It is selfless, as a tree does not bear fruit for it's own benefit, but for the one whom consumes it. Love is a commitment, not a feeling. Feelings fall under the passion category. And though passion is an essential part of love, it is not the main component. Being "in love" is temporary because as soon as the lover turns his back, you are suddenly "out of love" with the same person to whom who whispered promises of forever. A real lover, a true lover seeks only the benefit and never the burden of the loved. no matter the price. True love is something cultivated only by time and tested by patience.

I love and am loved. Not because I am a great human being, but because God is great.

I Corinthians 13:4-13 (This is how we are loved)

     Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable it resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man I put away childish ways. for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I will know full, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Romans 5:5 (This is why we love)

And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Fantasy Friday

We all have a fantasy world. One we create to escape reality. The place we go in our dreams where everything is alright, and nothing is a mess. Or am I alone? Am I the only one? Surely not. And this fantasy world of make-believe is a welcomed and healthy reprieve from this journey called life. But sometimes when reality is too brutal and harsh to deal with, our perfect worlds become a part of us, even during waking hours. And time is wasted wishing it could become reality, but hurting ourselves, knowing that there is no way to get there (this place does not even exist), no way out, and thus falling further into an abyss of hopelessness when looking at the only reality available. The mean one, the hard one, the cold and insufferable one. But then. Somehow, a glimmer of light falls from the sky, so graciously, just when you thought you could not take another breath. And a fresh breeze sweeps across your skin, and the sun warms your face. It's mercy. And just in time. And then, your ever-so-tight grip on this longed-for fantasy world begins to release, and your mind relaxes. Thank you Jesus. Sometimes you just have to let things die so they can come back to life.

Insomnia. Lying awake thinking of all the things you would say if you ever had the chance.
Hopelessness. Knowing you will never have that chance.
Insanity. Holding on to something that isn't real, at least not anymore, and making yourself believe that you can make it back there if you just want it bad enough.

Forlorn Friday - A Letter to My Daddy

So here I am sending a letter out into the deep abyss of cyberspace hoping somehow it will reach you... Seems kinda silly, huh? Oh well, sometimes healing comes through tears, I guess, and sometimes through the imagination that is strong enough to create diseases and frail enough to take you out of reality into a world of your own making... And this is my world. I just wish that I wasn't so stuck in "reality" that I lose my pipe dreams. That was one thing that we always hated about you. You were a dreamer and no one could ground you. Everything was about plans and the future, going somewhere, being someone, doing something, conquering the world. But we all knew it was a bitter trick, a loathsome feeling, it was hope. And with hope always comes pain when it is yanked out of the sky like a crashing airplane. Our hopes didn't ever fly for very long. Don't get me wrong, they sure flew high, but the higher they flew, the worse the crash. So we learned to stay on the ground and just watch others hope. Sometimes they would take off and we just look on in wonder of how they could have ever made that airplane stay in the sky. And when others around us come crashing down after hoping, we smile a little, remember the reason we don't go "flying" anymore, and offer condolences and advice that hoping is too dangerous and one should always live in reality, since that is the only real world. And so our lives are such a drastic difference from yours. Not because we aren't your family, not because each of us don't have a piece of your personality, but because we quit flying. We are afraid to fly. And fear is something you never had and that's what made you such a great flyer. I don't think you even noticed when one of your hope "planes" fell out of the sky because by then you had already jumped onto a different one. You never came out of that sky. Even when you died, you were living a dream with your own bike shop! Imagine! Amazing. And all because you dared to dream. Without it, quality of life goes down so dramatically it makes life not worth living. After-all this world is Hell. Who is capable of living in this reality without going crazy?? I think I'm learning to fly again although Carlos keeps me like a kite, going high and free but always attached to the ground, or some stable weight, so I don't go flying out of control. It's good, but sometimes I wish I could just soar. However you would be proud of me now. You know how I know? Because I'm doing exactly what you told me not to do. :) I am a make-up artist and hair stylist. And of course that is the one profession you made me promise I would never go into, but just you watch, I'm gonna make it to the top. I'm good at it and I really enjoy doing it. And it pays good. I can see you pinching tears. I know you always wanted the best for me and you always loved me. And I am so thankful that God gave me a Daddy like you. And I am so thankful that God loved me through you. And I am so thankful that God still loves me the same way even though you are gone, just sometimes it is a little harder to recognize or see that fatherly love because it isn't in human form. And I am thankful that I still have my Mommy. She is the best and strongest woman I have ever known. She has been through so much and she still has the prettiest smile and most sincere laugh. Sorry I made this so long. I know you have a short attention span. Have a good rest until our Father joins us together again with Him. I love you Daddy. And I miss you. Good bye for now.

Thoughtful Tuesday - Blast from the Past

So, I was thinking about it the other day and talking it over with my mom and I decided that society's points of view suck. That goes for just about every point of view that I can think of. Why are people so stupid? Why doesn't anybody think for themselves anymore? What happened to individuality? And why does everyone get their panties in a wad when someone decides to step up, say it like it is, and do something completely different from the norm? What is the norm anyway? And who decided to make it the norm? And who gave them the authority to do that? Let's go with the old catch phrase, "If the whole world jumped off a cliff, would you do the same?" But then people have to make it all complicated and ask silly things like well, did they have a parachute? And, if the whole world does it, then they must know something I dont! Or even, will I die when I land? NO! Stop it! Don't copmplicate it! They jump off and DIE! Because they are all idiots and didn't think for themselves! Because they asked those same stupid questions and believed someone else's answer! 

ANYWAY... Now that I'm done ranting, this is what I'm going to do about it! Because what good does it do to complain if you don't get off your tush and move?! (another societal flaw... complacency) So, since I am SO done with the "world", "society", "general public", "everybody else", whatever you want to call it, many outside views that are not my own, telling me what to do, think, say, how to act, and what is acceptable or not, I have decided to ignore it! And in the process, I am going to piss alot of people off! Namely those that I live with and the ones that have to deal with me on a daily basis. Unless of course they feel the same way I do and embrace the personal change. (Not really a change, just a personal challenge to LIVE!)

You know what holds me back? What keeps me from going forward? Fear. Yup, plain and simple. (Another flaw imposed by society) Fear of being judged. Fear of being talked about and rejected. Fear of people thinking bad about me. Fear of people period. Fear of the unknown, of what could, "possibly" happen. Fear of standing out. Fear of failure. Fear of everything! Everyone wants their lives to go well, so most follow the set out guidelines, right? But not everyone.I don't want to be in that category, "everyone". I am me, Holly Michelle Baldridge Guerrero. Me. Plain and simple. NO MORE FEAR. And that doesn't mean that I won't still fear things, but from now on, I don't want it to hold me back!

I'm sure you have heard the song that says, "I went skydiving, I went rocky mountain climbing.... And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter and I gave the forgiveness I'd been denying, And I said someday I hope you get to live, to live like you were dying" I've always listened to that song and loved it, but no! Why is life like that? Why are people like that? Why does everyone wait until they are dying to live? I know the song is trying to stress the fact that you shouldn't wait, and people agree with that idea, and sing the song imagining themselves jummping out of an airplane, but what happens when the song is over? Why can't we learn from other's mistakes? Are we really that stupid as a species? I don't want to get to the end and think about all the mistakes I made and how I would have lived differently. How do I want people to see me? How do I want to be remembered? What legacy do I want to leave for my children and family? Then you know what? That is exactly what I am going to do! That is exactly how I am going to live!

Who tells me that I can't succeed? Who is holding me back from reaching my goals, my ambitions? Who is stopping me from living in bold color? Who tells me "no"? I am the only one who rains on my parade. I am the one adhering to the standards or society. But I CAN do anything that I put my mind to, and you know why? Because I have PASSION, I have FIRE, I have DRIVE and DESIRE. For me things are black or white, right or wrong, here or there, yes or no. There is no gray area, no in between. Because society lays in between, society avoids the extremes, and I gravitate toward them. If they can't be put in one of those categories, it needs to be discarded, plain and simple. We only get one shot, so aim HIGH! Higher than you ever dreamed you could reach and you know what will happen? You will get farther than you thought you could go! Let's be REAL, and not societies standards of "real"...

The moral of the story? 
Society is stupid. 
I hold myself down. 
That's all going to change.

Okay, I'm done!

Thoughtful Thursday - A Smile Lights up the World

Being a mother is one of the greatest joys I have ever known. Every moment is an adventure, especially at my son's age, because he is exploring and learning new things all the time, even when I don't think he is paying attention.

My relationship with him is very physical; we are constantly running and chasing, doing flips, tickles, marching around the house, playing hide-and-go-seek, and laughing until we cry! I love it and wouldn't have it any other way! I thank God that I am young and have the energy to play with him like that. His sweet and innocent smile just lights up my whole world. He is truly a blessing from God, fashioned to give me utter delight!

When I was pregnant with Giancarlo, actually even before I knew I was, it was October 27th, my birthday, and Carlos gave me one white rose. Now, instead of being grateful for how romantic that was, I was mad that after everything, a single white rose was the best he could do. I was feeling sorry for myself and throwing a pity-party as I pulled out of the driveway to head to my mom's house. For those of you who don't believe God speaks, let me just reassure you, he does. Because in that moment, in spite of my unrational reaction to a perfectly beautiful and acceptable gift, God told me, "I'm going to give you a better gift." Now at that time, I didn't know what that meant except Carlos' rose wasn't the last word on my day. So I waited, all day, for something better than a rose. But nothing happened. That night when I laid down, I was mad; mad at Carlos and mad at God. But I wasn't patient enough because exactly one week later I discovered I was pregnant. And how badly I had wanted a baby! Then I knew he was God's gift to me, to us. It wasn't a birthday gift, it was the gift of new life.

Later on in the pregnancy, I was probably about 8 months along, I dropped Carlos off at work and on my way home God gave me a vision of a little boy, probably about 2 years old, running away from me to the other side of the room, curls bouncing. He stopped and turned around to look at me with a wide grin and giggled. The laugh echoed and the smile lit up the shadows. I started to cry just imagining the great gift God had given me.

To this day, remembering that is enough to bring tears to my eyes. Only, then I didn't realize how true that vision was until now. Giancarlo is 1 year and 7 months old, and I have, countless times, seen him run from me then turn around to make sure I am still chasing him, squeal in delight when he sees me, then keep right on going until I catch him. And his smile always pulls one straight out of me. Always.

By the way, his name means "God's gracious gift." I didn't find out until he was several weeks old because we changed it from Joseph to Giancarlo in the delivery room after he was born. And that, my friends, is a true story! Be blessed!

Wayward Wednesday - On and on and on...

You know how some people can go on and on and on? Come on now, don’t judge me. You know exactly who I am talking about. Everyone has them in their life; everyone knows an “on-and-on-er.” Love them or hate them. I think that most of them don’t realize they are talking endlessly on a subject that their victim isn’t even remotely interested in, and they feed off of the polite “Oh, really?” responses while the poor listener waits for the chatter-box to take a break. Now can you relate? Of course you can! Without a doubt you have been on one side or the other of a conversation like that.

There are also those “on-and-on-ers” who realize their fondness for excruciating detail can be unnerving to some but they just can’t help it. Try as they might to keep it short, sweet and to-the-point, before they know it, they are drowning their listener in the “who, what, why, when and where’s” of the story, often chasing rabbit trails and getting lost along the way.

I know because I am one. My mom is too and I probably inherited it from her. Don’t ever ask us a question or for advice because we will give you a twenty minute explanation when a simple “yes” or “no” would have sufficed. And when we get to talking, watch out! My husband is a bottom–liner and advised me that after 3 minutes, he quits listening and assumes the conclusion!

Now, I’m guessing, if you’ve made it this far into the story, you are an “on-and-on-er” too, because you like details and background history before actually getting to the point! Well, here’s the inspiration for this post: I just came into contact with a fellow lover-of-details on the phone at work. While her story was intriguing, there wasn’t anything I could do to help her, but she wouldn’t let me go because she was so caught up in the details of her recent experience! It ended up being an unnecessary thirty-minute phone call.

Oh well! And that’s my Wayward Wednesday for today! Happy Hump Day! Catch ya later!

Orchids and Patience

In case you’re wondering, this is the story of my life, my mission statement if you will. You know, the one thing that every company has, but they never actually reach, although they always keep faith that one day they will get there. That’s me. I’m always overlooking the orchids in frantic search for a perfect rose and I am the most impatient gal in the world! J But I am obsessed with orchids and in love with patience. Some day…

My dear ole Daddy is the one who always told me about the orchids. It was always the same but told a little different every time. It went a little something like this:

               There was once a man who set out in search for a perfect rose. He searched and searched, looking carefully over each and every one. After exhausting himself with the search, and finally settling on a rose that was acceptable, though still not perfect, he accepted defeat. When he looked up, ready to move on, he found exactly what he was searching for! Right there in front of him, out of place amid the bed of roses, was the most beautiful orchid he had ever seen.

The moral of the story? Don’t get so caught up and focused on finding what you consider to be perfect that you miss the beauty that’s right before your eyes. Now in reality, this is based on a song called “I Overlooked an Orchid,” although, I didn’t know that until I was an adult. The song is about a lover, but I’ve found it to be true in every aspect of life.

I Overlooked an Orchid by Carl Smith

And what about patience? Well, ironically, it takes extreme patience to care for and grow an orchid. Something I’ve never been able to do, as I always kill them with amazing skill. Maybe it’s due to my lack of patience! Just ask my husband, I am forever driving him crazy with my impatient antics. When I get something in my mind, I have to do it right then. With me, there’s no such thing as waiting for something to pan out, having faith that God will work it out, waiting for circumstances to change, planning, etc. I want it now. And just the way I see it in my mind’s eye. But reality always gives me those gentle nudges, and sometimes not-so-gentle nudges (i.e. a brick wall) reminding me that I’ve run away from patience and its virtues again.

So here’s to life and growing, learning and experiences, on this journey God’s given me called life. It’s not the destination, but how you get there.